Ep 113 Transcript: The Identity Shift Every Accidental CEO Needs to Make with Carrie KC West

This transcript was auto-generated and may contain errors in spelling or inaccuracies in the spoken words.

Shauna Lynn Simon (01:50.062)

Hello and welcome to the Real Women Real Business podcast. I am your host, Shauna Lynn Simon, and today's guest is Carrie KC West. And she is an international and award winning bestselling author, speaker and narrative coach who helps entrepreneurs and leaders to reshape the stories that quietly shape how they lead, earn and make decisions. With a background in filmmaking from the American Film Institute and counseling psychology from Penn State, Carrie blends storytelling with

deep insight into human behavior. Her work is centered on authorship, helping people recognize the internal narratives running in the background and consciously write what comes next in business and in life. Carrie, welcome to the show.

Carrie KC West (02:32.76)

Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here, Shauna Lynn.

Shauna Lynn Simon (02:35.874)

Well, and we had a little bit of a conversation before we hit record here. And I think you're the perfect guest for this show because you specifically are dealing with what I like to affectionately refer to as our "Accidental CEOs", which is majority of the listeners of this show. And these are women who followed more passion than plan and look up one day and find themselves running a business. And one of the things that we were talking about is just the fact that we have this whole image of what a CEO is or who we're supposed to be.

And I think women are especially guilty at times of creating these narratives that they think that they need to follow. So for anyone who might be new to what you call narrative coaching, can we explain a little bit about what that looks like? What exactly is it? How is this different from like mindset or affirmations?

Carrie KC West (03:25.442)

We all have a story. And by the way, great question. We all live a story. Stories are essential to human beings. They're essential to everyone. It's how our brain operates. It's how we organize ourselves and our things. So when you can step back and observe your life, I always say to clients, imagine yourself sitting in a theater and watching your life unfold around here. You start to understand that

You've got plots, have themes, you have characters, and if you're the, you are always the protagonist. So who are your antagonists? Who are your foils? Who are the people that drive you crazy? So, when you can start observing your life that way, first of all, it makes it more fun when you're exploring who you are, but it also takes off that pressure of, oh, I have to write affirmations. I have to do, I have to do. And then the other thing to keep in mind is,

especially for women who kind of fall into being a CEO of their company. Where are your role models? Who do we learn from? You know where I learned my stuff from? Movies! would watch, no, I would watch how women were portrayed as business owners and business leaders. And it wasn't always a good view.

You had to be bossy and you had to be that famous "B-word" that nobody likes to say you know you have to be tough and you have to be cold and you have to Not get along with your team has to be afraid of you What if that's not who you are? You try to emulate this especially if this isn't something you chose to do You wanted to help people you wanted to do follow your passion and then all of a sudden you have clients now you've got a

get budgets and tax forms and set up business structure, then you don't know who you are. What does it mean to be the CEO of your own business?

Shauna Lynn Simon (05:30.626)

I think that is such a common challenge though that you're talking about. I love what you're referencing. Like I'm kind of envisioning sort of Devil Wears Prada type of character who, like you said, everyone's afraid of her and you've got people just kind of falling over themselves to make her happy. And

Naturally, I never wanted any of my team members to see me as that kind of boss. And for some of the women listening to this, they might not have any actual employees or team members, whether they're freelancers or actual payroll employees. It might be just them running this whole gig right now. So it's sometimes hard to feel like you're that boss without actual team members. And then going back to what you were saying about feeling like we have to be a certain way, there's a very masculine energy.

that was constantly portrayed to us. And I think it's, unless you've had those women as role models, I mean, I know even when I worked in corporate, the women who were leading in the ranks, so to speak in the company, they weren't the most pleasant people. They had a bit of a reputation for being a hard, "you-know-what." So like there's definitely that,

identity crisis that I think a lot of women have. And one of the big things is even just, know, they started the business because they wanted to do, like you said, this great thing that helps other people. And then they look up one day and they're like, I'm running a business. Like that means I actually have to like do the business stuff too. So for example, a lot of my audience, because of my background in home stage and interior design, a lot of my audience are home stagers and interior designers. And most of them were like, I am really great at

putting rooms together. And so I'm going to do the super fun thing that I'm super skilled at. But you're not thinking about the fact that you now also have to deal with invoicing and compliance and insurance and, you know, sales, yes, sales. I know it's a huge one. But I just like, I'm just, and I think that often happens, like that word, I'm just, I'm just this, I'm just a home stager. I'm just an interior designer. I'm just a photographer.

Carrie KC West (07:32.396)

Down with the

Shauna Lynn Simon (07:47.372)

I'm just a woman trying to do a thing. I don't really want to be the CEO and yet here we are.

Carrie KC West (07:56.31)

You're saying something so important. You know, when you think about who we are as people, we're not just Shauna Lynn. You're Shauna Lynn, the wife, the mother, the partner, the sister, the daughter, the teacher, the employee. You've got all these different identities, right? Yes. And then all of a sudden you become Shauna Lynn, the podcaster. Right.

So you're Shauna Lynn the designer, but then you, like you said, you have to be Shauna Lynn the salesperson, the bookkeeper, the CEO. And all you wanted to do was freelance set up homes. I love people that set up homes. Home staging is one of my favorite things in the world. What you guys can do with a home is miraculous. By the way, quick side note, when I sold my condo, it was staged.

And the guy loved the staging so much. He bought everything from the home staging company. I loved it too. It was so awesome. So, and it's a lot of work and, honestly, it's the same as an author when people said, Oh, you're an author. And it's like, I'm so much more now than an author. The easy part was writing the darn book. Right. The hard part was the design, the cover design, the layout. And I had to do all of that.

Shauna Lynn Simon (09:01.9)

Yes.

Shauna Lynn Simon (09:20.034)

Yeah, and then not to mention now you need to make sure you actually get that book into people's hands. Yeah, they're e-readers or their phone.

Carrie KC West (09:26.35)

You have to be the promoter and the publicist and you have, mean, and then, mean, so it's a never ending process. And this whole teeny thing about me being an author is lost, lost somewhere over here because now I have all these other personas you have to take on. If you're in conflict or if you're struggling, if any of those personas have misinformation,

about what that means to be that person. That's where the narrative piece gets tangled up. So I created a course called Hidden Stories Intensive where I actually take you through that, where you find where those conflicts are.

Shauna Lynn Simon (10:13.89)

Yeah, sorry, you're touching on something that I think I really want to of circle back to because I think this is really important that, you know, we've talked about on this podcast numerous times about our inner critic and our inner voice, and we're not always the kindest to ourselves. so we've created this narrative. And I think what you're touching on here, though, is, you know, we touched on a little bit about the "Accidental CEO" and how we have this narrative of what a CEO should look like.

which is a false narrative, but we also have false narratives about ourselves, actual things that happened to us, actual things that we have done. And we have almost rewritten it in our head to have this narrative of like, this means this and this happens because of this, or I did this and therefore I am, whether it's a failure or whatever. And we create these stories about ourselves and

So I want to dig into that a little bit. So that's basically what you're talking about when it comes to the narrative. You're helping them to understand what the real narrative is and you're helping them rewrite it. Like what exactly does this look like?

Carrie KC West (11:20.142)

Well, you first of all have to know what they are. You know, even when I worked in the entertainment industry, you had to start with a script, right? Right. Now, that script changes as you get into the story and play it through every day on a production set. The first thing they say is where are today's rewrites? So you're changing, you're changing dialogue, you're changing motivations. You may even introduce a new character because you realized you needed that character to take the

the hero heroine on this journey. So when you apply that to your same life, you have to first know what the script is you're working from, right? OK, you can't do anything with it if you don't know what it is. And that's the tough part, because we're on automatic pilot. So many things we do are automatic. And and like you said about the Devil Wears Prada, did we learn to be that kind of a boss.

based on what we observed around us, what we experienced in our own professional lives. Were our mothers professional or were they, you know, what was their role in the business world if they had one? And then you learn these things and we see them not only in movies, but on television and in the news. How many times in the news have you seen a successful business woman portrayed as a positive light?

I mean, so many times they pick on Oprah Winfrey and she is such a positive role model. But the news media is criticizing her so much. Most women, most women in these roles. So who wants to take on that role if you feel like you're going to get criticized? But like you said, that starts building the inner narrative we have. That all that feeds this misinformation and.

Sometimes people think it's like climbing Mount Everest. How do you want to tangle that? How? It's a lot to untangle. Well, when you climb Mount Everest, you just don't shoot up to the top. You take months to prepare and acclimate to the different things. So I'm not saying this takes months. really doesn't. But the first step is always understanding what is the script that's currently running? What are you telling yourself? How how do you describe a successful CEO?

Carrie KC West (13:41.846)

And when you can actually say, do you describe a successful business, not even CEO, how do you describe a successful businesswoman? And a lot of people don't even want to, a lot of women are reluctant to even take on that title. I'm not a businesswoman, I'm a designer. Right. Yeah. And that's another thing, that's denial. So can you make peace with being, with taking on that new role?

I never wanted to go into business. I love my design work. Yeah, but then you have sales and like you said, invoicing. So you have to be the bookkeeper. Unfortunately, that's those are aspects of business.

Shauna Lynn Simon (14:21.432)

And I think this is the challenge a lot of times people are saying, but I'm not good at some of these things, or I don't enjoy doing some of these things. And obviously, at some point, I'm going to coach them into, let's hire someone else to do some of the things that you don't want to be doing. But that's not always an option, especially right at the beginning, or depending on the type of business that you're building, sometimes the business model doesn't allow for that yet anyway. So in the meantime, we're telling ourselves,

If I keep telling myself I'm terrible at invoicing, I gotta say it's gonna take me a lot longer to get my invoicing done every month. And all of it, I am, anytime I am doing a task and it's taking me forever to do, I'm like, cool, who can I pass this off to? Because this is clearly not something I should be doing. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't know how to do it and that I'm not capable of doing it. It's more just a matter of like, this is not where I wanna spend my energy. And I think that's a big reframe that I've done in my own head.

Carrie KC West (14:55.702)

Yes, yes, yes.

Shauna Lynn Simon (15:17.704)

is not about what I can do, but instead what do I want to do? What do I actually want to spend my energy? But I like what you're saying though about, okay, so we're gonna start off with, we're gonna identify what the script is currently. So that means taking a look at then who we are, who we think we are, who we actually are. Like how does that translate? Because like you said, I'm wearing a lot of different hats here. I'm a daughter, I'm a cat mom.

I'm a runner, I'm a podcast host, I'm a business coach, I'm an interior designer. Like got a lot of hats that I'm wearing, not to mention I'm a friend, I'm an aunt. Like I've got all these different things. Like am I going through all of those different identities, so to speak, and putting all those hats on and taking a look at myself? Do I focus on one at a time? What does this look like?

Carrie KC West (16:06.222)

Well, first of all, acknowledging that we all wear model hats. That's lot. You know, that's we're not we're so complex. And I think there's so much beauty in our complexity. So celebrate that celebrate that we're complex. And I'll tell you what, I hope I don't offend any men in the world. Women are really good at balancing all these different things that we are, aren't we? We're great at it. We're much better at it than men.

Mm-hmm.

Shauna Lynn Simon (16:37.006)

Don't worry, there's very few of them listening to this podcast. And if you are listening to this podcast as a man, I would be willing to bet that you're probably going to agree with most of the things that we're saying here anyway.

Carrie KC West (16:39.372)

Okay, good. Okay.

Carrie KC West (16:47.374)

Yeah, I'll just say this word and you'll get it. "Multitasking." Yes. Women, great, rock it, multitasking. They're awesome at it. So you don't have to go and look at your persona as a cat mom or a dog mom or a runner or any of that. Just look at yourself. You're a designer. You love that, you love that. So what does that mean? What do you love about being a designer? What gets your juices flowing?

So, in this role you've taken on, what is that? And then you're right. Okay, so make the decision you're gonna go into business for yourself. You're gonna contract, you're gonna join, collaborate with other people. That does mean you have to start invoicing and you have to start networking. I know a lot of designers who hate to network.

They hate to go to those social gatherings and they have to have their business card. shoot, I don't have business cards. Most people don't have business cards these days. What do I give as a leave behind to make sure people remember me? And it starts mounting up and you start to feel the weight of all these things that you have to do. But if you can take a deep breath and say, when I made this decision to go into this route,

It was because it was giving me a lot more personal freedom in my designs, in who I choose to work with. That's huge. Being able to choose who you're going to work with is such great benefit of being on your own. you, you technically, I know sometimes if you're one client away from no money coming in, that's a tough thing to do. But you can choose to not work with people that you don't feel close to or good to, especially in the design world.

Shauna Lynn Simon (18:37.742)

And I've said it numerous times on this show that saying no to that client, even if it sounds like it's going to give you some cash flow, saying no will open things up for a better client to say yes to. You will always regret taking on that client. And I've been guilty of it. as I'm doing it, I'm I really shouldn't say yes. can see the red flags in this client, but I'm going to take them on. And sure enough, I regret that decision within a few weeks. So they take more energy and more time. They're not worth that money at the end of the day.

Carrie KC West (19:03.454)

Exactly, because you've got to balance in your peace of mind. That was one of the reasons why you started to go on your own, to have choice and peace of mind and more freedom. So along with that does come responsibilities. And when you can look at taking responsibility for your life, that's empowering. So maybe that does mean you're going to have to network and do things you're not a fan of doing, you don't like to do.

I mean, no, I don't know. I've yet to meet anyone who likes invoicing. I'm sorry. That's something.

Shauna Lynn Simon (19:36.482)

But one thing that I like that you said here, and I just want to go back to it, is you talked about like, why did I do this in the first place? And I think this is such a common thing that I work through with my clients is let's go back to the vision. Because when we start out, we just have this cool thing that we want to do and we enjoy doing it. We want to help other people, whatever it is, we want, we're going to help other people by doing this thing that we enjoy doing. And somewhere along the way,

we get pulled into what other people want us to do. like clients start dictating, well, I want this service. Well, that's kind of aligned with what I do, I suppose. So I can offer that. And even when you're talking about the networking and the social media and all these things that we don't want to do, I'm not saying just scrap all of that. you don't have to do all of it. But instead of saying you've got to suck it up for all these things, like if we go back to what did we set out to build here? Where are we at?

right now and what do want to work towards? Because when we realign with that vision of where we actually want the business to go, it changes how we approach the different "shoulds" that are on our plate. And so that immediately starts changing some of the narrative, I think, in our own head. But so few people, I think, are willing to do that.

Carrie KC West (20:56.77)

Yeah, yeah, it's really about looking at the full picture of what it means to be your own boss. Isn't that what we're talking about? Being your own boss. Listen, is there anybody on this planet who loves everything they have to do every day? Honest to God, if I have to load that darn dishwasher one more time, good God, it's annoying and make the bed every day. We all have stuff we do in our lives that

isn't the most enjoyable thing to do, right? Right. So I look at it the same way with business. If we have an end game in mind and the reason why we, like you said, remember why you wanted to go this route in the first place, then the other stuff just becomes something you have to do, like the dishwasher or making the bed or, you know, it's just a part of what happens. It's the business side of things. When I started my first business 20 years ago,

It was so different about spending money. And I remember saying to one of the head designers in that business, they said, I don't want to spend this money. You know, we're just a startup. We don't have enough clients. I said, look, it's a business expense. We have to get comfortable with the fact that we're going to have different kinds of expenses. You're going to have business expenses that you didn't have before. It's OK. That's what happens. But.

As you hold the vision of what you really want, you see you're starting to take on more clients. So you can bring on somebody to handle the bookkeeping or the social media or whatever. Make that your vision for how you want the business to be. Yes, now you knew why you wanted to get into it, but what's your vision for it long term? And that's a step I think a lot of people forget is what is the long term vision you have for this.

Shauna Lynn Simon (22:49.282)

Absolutely. Yeah. And I think sometimes we're just so caught in the weeds that it's hard for us to get outside of that and think like, what does future me actually want out of this? How do I envision this looking in a few years? And I mean, I've talked a lot about even the exit strategy part of it. When I ask people what their exit strategy is, like, I'm still in growth mode. I'm still in this mode. Like, yeah, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be thinking about exit strategy, but it's easy for us to sort of...

forget to look ahead and just, because we do get so stuck in the everyday sometimes. So you talked earlier about responsibilities and how that can get framed in our mind. Like what are some of the most common limiting narratives that you see entrepreneurs carrying and how are they disguised of themselves as like responsibility or a high standard maybe, know, what are some of the things that you're seeing most commonly?

Carrie KC West (23:37.494)

I think a lot of people think the word responsibility is a weight. W-E-I-G-H-T. They don't want that weight, being responsible. They feel like, well, I got into this because I didn't want to be responsible. I just wanted to have fun. Responsibility is actually a great gift that we can give ourselves. Because that's empowering. yeah. When you're responsible, you're taking charge.

And you are the person that gets it done.

Shauna Lynn Simon (24:10.126)

Absolutely. Same thing that I say about discipline. Like we look at discipline as being something that restricts us and instead, what does my discipline allow me to do? Like I am disciplined to go to bed early because I want to get up early in the morning to go for my run. That's not restricting me from doing things late at night. It is allowing me to get my run in in the morning. And that run helps to keep me healthy and happy. And so these are things that I get to do because I'm disciplined.

Discipline is preventing me from doing things. So I think that I like what you're saying about reframing responsibility instead of this feeling like a weight on us. Responsibility actually opens us up for being able to do the things that we really want to do.

Carrie KC West (24:53.994)

Exactly, exactly. What you're talking about, what I'm talking about with all this is a shift in perspective, which is great. It's a great storytelling technique. You talk about narratives. So you have to look at the perspectives. What is your perspective on being responsive on responsibilities? What is your perspective on disciplines? What is your perspective on structure? What is your what is your perspective on this? And when you can understand that, you know, call it reframe, call it perspective, whatever.

We come into our stories with energy around some of these words. Energy and it triggers us. I don't want to be responsible. I want to be free. I don't want to be disciplined. I want to be free. I don't want to have this. That tells us that something about that triggers you. So can you shift your perspective on those things and see the positive side of it? Just like what's the most horrible thing you can call somebody saying they're entitled?

Entitlement has gotten such a negative weight on it when the truth is there are human entitlements that are our gifts that we completely forget. But we think to say we're entitled, means we're greedy and selfish and unaware. But we have human entitlements that say we're deserving and worthy and we are entitled to be happy and healthy and wise. entitlement's been

Outerly destroyed and calling somebody entitled is one of the worst things you can say about somebody.

Shauna Lynn Simon (26:25.794)

Well, perspective really is everything. mean, it's the whole glass half full thing, right? Like it's I drive my mother nuts because she is very she immediately goes to the negative, the consequences, the downside to things. Whereas I am always looking at the bright side of it. And it's I don't know if it's to point. Yes, I trained myself many years ago to look at it that way. But this isn't looking through rose colored glasses or ignoring the negative elements of things. It's simply the perspective that I take on it is.

that I'd like to get something good out of everything that happens. So even when the really crappy stuff is happening, I'm going to let myself be frustrated by the crappy stuff. I'm going to let myself sit in the discomfort of that stuff. But I'm also going to find where that pivot is. Where's the good stuff in here? Where's the stuff that I can really hang on to and shift that perspective? Because I don't want the energy that comes with being in that angry

negative and frustrated spot. I want to be in that energy that has more of a positive element to it. And I got to say, the more my perspective shifts on things into that positive side, the better things happen. Like better things are happening to me because I'm seeing the good things.

Carrie KC West (27:39.63)

Well that's because you're shifting your internal narrative. The world outside is not a reflection of, we're not in at sufferance of the world. We are creating our external perspective based on our internal stories. Here's a great analogy. Two people are standing on a street corner waiting for the cross sign. This car comes zooming through high speed.

And the one person goes, what an idiot, they're going to kill somebody. And the other person goes, no, they would only drive like that if there was an emergency. I hope everything's OK. Yeah. Now, that's right. So so but all that got filtered through our own story. The person who was like, maybe they were in an accident, maybe they got scared, maybe they just hate fast cars. So they projected that inner rage onto that situation, whereas the other person who had compassion and

and peace and joy in their lives. my gosh, I hope they're okay. So their inner world reflected a positive thing, not that somebody being in an emergency is positive, but instead of being critical and throwing anger out at it, they offered compassion. Yes, so we do that automatically every day with every situation we're in.

Shauna Lynn Simon (28:52.968)

and understanding.

Shauna Lynn Simon (29:00.078)

Well, I want to dig into a little bit about how this applies in everyday life and business. And we're going to do that as soon as we come back from this short break.

Alright, Welcome back to the Real Women Real Business Podcast where we've been speaking with Carrie KC West and we're talking about the inner narratives that happen in our head constantly. We're aware of this. You know, we often don't give a lot of space to that critical voice that we know is in there. We're not usually bringing it to the to the forefront, but we're talking. I think it's important that we're bringing those narratives, really shining a light on them and really getting that script, like you said, out of our heads and

watching it almost as though it's a bit of a movie. But I liked what you were talking about just before we took the break about, you know, two different people are going to see a situation from two different perspectives. And I'll admit, I say the same thing when someone cuts me off when I'm driving. I know some people are like, what an idiot, they're driving terribly. And in my head, I'm thinking like, man, like I've made some mistakes on the road sometimes. They clearly must not have seen me, you know, and I hope that they're okay as well. I hope I didn't startle them when I honked my horn at them. And that's not me being naive or overly

gracious and generous. That's just me being a human being and understanding that I don't know the story that's going on in their life right now. So who am I to assume that I know what's motivated them to do things? And I think we often misinterpret some of the motivations of people. And I actually spoke with us on an episode not that long ago, but like, for example, you sent out a proposal to someone and you don't hear back from them and you start making up this narrative in your head of saying like, Oh, they think my pricing is too high or

Shauna Lynn Simon (31:23.138)

You know what? I don't think they really liked me or they must not think I'm a good designer. I'm not good at what I do. And you start making up this narrative in your head based on zero actual facts. They've said nothing or a client asks a question and you immediately go into defensive mode. ask you like, know, can I ask like why you decided to go with this sofa instead of this other sofa? And immediately you go into defense mode. Like they literally just asked you a question. Just, just answer the question. So

I want to help people understand how these things are showing up in everyday life and how to apply some of the shift of narrative when it's happening. Because sometimes we're not even super aware of it, but it's not as though I can just say to someone, can you just look at things from the positive side and not go immediately to the negative? And that sounds easy in theory, but then the next time someone cuts you off when you're driving or the next time someone doesn't respond immediately to your proposal, there goes that inner narrative again.

So how do we start to interrupt that pattern? How do we start recognizing it? How do we interrupt it? Like, how is this showing up every day for us?

Carrie KC West (32:30.286)

This is where I bring in micro moments of change. Our brains are wired to respond a certain way. And it started when we were kids, because our parents never told us all the information of what was going on, because you're one year old, you're two year old, you don't understand. We observe everything. And if we don't have the information, we make it up. We fill in the gaps.

Shauna Lynn Simon (32:34.572)

I like that term.

Shauna Lynn Simon (32:56.462)

Our imaginations are fantastic sometimes.

Carrie KC West (33:00.232)

Yeah. And we started when we were babies. When, when your mom is over in the corner crying and you don't know what's going on, you think you did something wrong. Cause mom isn't going to tell you that my best friend just lost her dog and she's crying cause she's sympathetic and empathic about it. But you're like, I must've done something wrong. And how many kids do you see go up to their moms and say, are you okay, mommy?

And mommy just says, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Well, the kid doesn't know. So we learned almost immediately to fill in the gaps and make stuff up without information. Our brains want information. That's why stories are so deep. Yeah. The brains want coherence. Coherence is certainty. They've got a pattern going. So when that happens in adulthood, the first thing I say to somebody is you got to do a micro moment of change.

What's a micro moment of change you say? The moment you feel yourself triggered, whether you or or you check your email and it's not there and you are what you have to do is just step back, literally step away from your computer. Take a breath. Just take a breath and say, calm yourself, say, I'm OK. If you can get to gratitude, I'm grateful for this beautiful day.

Don't even think about this just because what you do is you start telling your brain, I'm not going to respond that way anymore because what's happening is endorphins and chemicals are being released when you get into that anxiety mode. Your amygdala and your in your old your cerebellum are fired up and that creates anxiety. So that fires up your adrenal glands when you can shut that down. And by just by taking a break.

your brain starts to rewire. It doesn't change instantly, but if you can do this every time it happens, you'll find that you don't even check your emails anymore for these responses to your proposals. Because the truth is, we don't know what happened. How many times have I been, even I get on a scheduled call, a podcast or some call and all of a sudden I'm sitting here waiting and I'll get a message or a text, I'm so sorry.

Carrie KC West (35:24.248)

There was a death in the family I have to reschedule. And they didn't even think to check in with me. Who would? Are you going to think about calling me about your podcast if you just had a major event in your personal life? No. Why would you? Would I?

Shauna Lynn Simon (35:40.61)

...

Carrie KC West (35:41.878)

If I just, you know, when my mother-in-law died, did I call everybody and tell them? No, I reacted, I responded, I did it. And then, and then I came back and went, crap, I missed, I am so sorry. This happened suddenly. I had to, I had to run. Because we've all had those moments, haven't we? I challenge anyone who's listening here to say, I've been absolutely perfect and kept people informed in a timely manner all the time.

Heck, just found an email from last month that I forgot to respond to.

Shauna Lynn Simon (36:12.78)

Yeah, I felt you know, me all the time. I feel awful. my goodness. Yes. It's so hard to keep up with them sometimes. And I think that yeah, it's I you're so right, though, and just taking that micro moment and taking that that pause and kind of resetting yourself. I think most of us probably know someone who seems to enjoy being upset and angry all the time. But when I look at that, I think

That takes a lot of energy. Yeah. And that is energy that could be better spent in my opinion. And that's probably been one of the biggest changes that I've made when something isn't quite going the way that I want it to, when I'm angry with someone. I always, first of all, look at what is in my control and what is not in my control. Sometimes things are worth a conversation with someone. If it's someone who's close to you and they're impacting your life, it's worth a conversation. But there are other times where it's just not. So let's go.

going back to the example that I used about someone cuts me off on the road. can scream at them. I can get angry. can go wherever I'm going. I meet up with a friend like, let me tell you what this guy just did to me. And I can be venting to her about it. And then I'm holding onto that. This guy's moved on. He doesn't even, he does not, he has not given me a second thought. And if he did, whether it was intentional or not, like let's say it was not intentional.

He might hang on to it for a moment and say like, I feel bad that I kind of cut that lady off. If it was intentional, then he's just doing him. I'm doing me. I'm going to do whatever's best for me. And I mean, clearly, he's got somewhere he's got to be. And I'm saying he could be a she as well. know, like I'm saying it's a he. And clearly, he's got somewhere that he needs to go. as you were talking earlier, like it could be so they could be in a real hurry. I can remember what it was like when I got it.

some bad news and I'm driving there and I'm trying to drive as fast as I can while still being responsible. I'm, I am sure that if someone actually was recording it, I made some, some errors in judgment on that drive and you know, intentional or not. So you just never know what's going on with someone else. But I like the, that pause moment because it's a bit of a disruptor. Like you're, you're stopping that pattern and rewiring your brain a little bit to say, this is not how we want to handle these things.

Shauna Lynn Simon (38:37.166)

I think we've all been taught the whole like write the email response and then walk away and come back to it the next morning to see if you still actually want to hit send.

Carrie KC West (38:45.678)

Yeah. Oh yeah. How many angry emails have you fired off? Oh my God. It's, should have a term for that. You know, the hangry email or something, you know, we have to, we have to adjust that. But, here's the thing. We all do it. It's like you said, I didn't see a guy, but he was, he was driving really quickly and I didn't see him and I was getting into the other lane. He was so angry at me. He followed me to Trader Joe's and I thought.

I thought, wow. said, look, guy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You're right. I wasn't paying attention. I'm human. I have things going on. We all do. So forgive me. I'm really not that irresponsible person that you are cussing out right now.

Shauna Lynn Simon (39:31.604)

But he's created a narrative in his head. see who you are.

Carrie KC West (39:33.614)

Exactly. It told me that he has been in these situations before and the anger level was just blown out of proportion because of whatever was going on in his life. Listen, we interact. We have 8 billion plus people in the world. We have so much divisiveness and so much turmoil that we're all on edge about something.

So all I can do is to keep my heart peaceful and calm and keep my brain from going into that mode because that doesn't hurt. That doesn't help me.

Shauna Lynn Simon (40:13.388)

No, exactly. No. So how can someone recognize maybe a story? Like I think as people are listening to this, they might be aware that there's potentially some stories that have been holding them back in their business. But how do they actually recognize what that story is? Because like you said, there are some of these things that we've been taught.

from very young age or maybe something we were taught really early in business that we don't realize that that's a false narrative, that's a story that's actually holding us back. without having to overanalyze their whole childhood and their whole adult life, how do we start recognizing, this might be a story that's holding my business back here?

Carrie KC West (40:50.838)

I've got two great words that you, whenever you use the, well, one's a phrase, one word and one's a phrase. Whenever you hear yourself saying, well, I should do that. I should go there. I should do this. I should do that. Should is the sure sign of a story. That you believe you have a story. The other thing is, this is the phrase, why does this keep happening to me?

Shauna Lynn Simon (41:19.881)

Carrie KC West (41:21.166)

Why do I keep getting into business with these blah blah blahs? Why do I keep dating the wrong person? Why do I always do this? When you are in the why do I always something, that is a story. You've been living this narrative on repeat.

you've been rewriting the same scene over and over again and you would hate going to that movie wouldn't you? you went to a movie if you went to the movie and Sandra Bullock kept dating the wrong guys over and over again and never seeming to get a clue about it you'd get up and leave you would never sit through that movie

Shauna Lynn Simon (42:01.486)

Absolutely. No, and I think that's good. I also like what you're talking about with the "shoulds". I'm actually reading a book right now. It's called Be Nice and I can't remember the name of the author and I apologize, but we'll have it in the show notes. And it's about people pleasing. I've talked about people pleasing numerous times on this show and the should is something that, you know, I've never liked to live by the I should.

It's the same thing as I have to. I don't like I have to. I was a caregiver for my dad for a lot of years with my mom. And I took it as a privilege and an honor to care for him. So I never said, I have to go and take care of my dad today. Those words never came out of my mouth. They were, I'm going to go look after my dad. I'm going to hang out with my dad. I'm going to take care of my dad. I get to take care of my dad.

It was never, have to. And I think that as soon as we start putting obligations on things, I should, I have to, that's framing it in a way in such a negative way. if that's the case, yeah, either you get to do this thing. Like let's say I have to take my daughter to soccer practice. No, you get to take your daughter to soccer practice. So you can reframe that in your head. If it's really that big of a chore, then we need to start looking at.

What are some of the alternatives here? Because if you're that unhappy about doing it, why are we doing it? And I believe it was actually, I think it was, was it Marshall Goldsmith who wrote the book Triggers. And he talks about the, have to, versus I get to. that was, I love that reframing. So I love what you're saying about like the, know, first of all, pay attention when you're hearing that of where did that come from? Because it just come out of nowhere. Yeah.

Carrie KC West (43:41.358)

Exactly. Exactly. If you think like, I shouldn't go into business. Why not? What's. Yeah. What story do you have about what it means to go into the business? Because should should is like such an easy clue. But my favorite is why does this always happen? Why? Why? I mean, we all have friends that.

Shauna Lynn Simon (43:50.894)

We planted that idea.

Carrie KC West (44:08.654)

Every time, you know, how many times you have a friend that calls you and said, I just keep dating the wrong people all the time. And it's like, yeah, why is that? What do you mean? Why is that? I'm just unlucky. Really?

Shauna Lynn Simon (44:20.962)

There's one common denominator to every one of these scenarios. My mom has said to me that she's tried being an optimist, but she just can't because bad things keep happening. Because you're looking for the bad things. This is how a pessimist actually works. And I'm picking on my mom quite a bit today. know I love her. We joke about some of these things all the time, but she is a self-proclaimed pessimist. And let's face it, she's 79 years old. She's not changing any time soon.

Carrie KC West (44:25.206)

Yep, yep, yep.

Carrie KC West (44:49.678)

That's okay.

Shauna Lynn Simon (44:50.862)

I'm good with being like this, but the reality is that there's a lot that we can carry that is unnecessary to carry because of the "shoulds" and the, this is always happening to me and we're a victim of these things. And that's a story in our head. So what's one practical step that listeners today can take to begin rewriting that story?

Carrie KC West (45:13.186)

Always be aware. First thing, and sit with the awareness. Don't, don't, people are just too quick to try to change it. Sit with the awareness because you gotta remember the craziest thing, the thing we hate the most to do is changing. We don't like to be in the unknown. We would rather deal with an uncomfortable situation. You know, when I had, I just had eye surgery a couple of weeks ago.

Shauna Lynn Simon (45:23.448)

like that.

Carrie KC West (45:42.294)

And I knew I wasn't going to like having it. But the doctor said to me just before we were going to start, she said, you don't have to do this because it's like I'm really scared. I never have surgery. She said you don't have to do it. But that would mean I had a blocked tear duct that I would be crying all the time. It just felt like tears. And she was like, yeah, you can be comfortable with your discomfort. Right. And when she said that to me, it's like, yeah, that's that's what I tell people.

You can recognize that you would rather stay with your discomfort than to change. And that's why when you start building awareness, your first thing is, I'm going to change it. Don't, because it won't stick. Make it real. Make it so real that you feel it in your being. And then when you feel it so much, you can say, yeah, I'm ready to do something different. Because change is scary. What happens when you change? Do I lose relationships?

Am I abandoned and rejected by people that I've come to be comfortable with? And I gave up a whole women's group I was friends with because it occurred to me that this wasn't the best group for me. I wasn't showing up who I was, as who I was. And so I wasn't getting back what I needed. So when I started showing up as who I was, you could feel the disconnect in the room.

Shauna Lynn Simon (47:01.326)

We're having a similar situation. Yeah. I had to step away from a personal relationship. And I remember a friend of mine saying to me, he said, so you would rather keep this relationship to avoid one awkward conversation. And I just like put everything in perspective. Like, you're right. So like, so every week I'm going to see this person I'm going to be uncomfortable with. And I'm just going to grit my teeth and bear it and tell myself that's OK. Or I can have one conversation that gets me out of that for good.

Carrie KC West (47:30.474)

Exactly, exactly. But that's why you have to really understand the results of this awareness. And when you can really feel the results of it and see that you you've sold yourself short. You are willing to stay small and quiet rather than change. And by the way, if that's what your choice is, great. But make that choice consciously. Yeah.

Shauna Lynn Simon (47:58.966)

Be aware of that choice. really like what you're saying about the awareness element of things as well. It's similar to, yes, we all want to make changes, but if I decided that I was going to, all of a sudden, I'm not doing strength training, I'm going to start doing strength training six days a week, it's not going to stick. It's the New Year's resolutions and why they fail because we can't go from zero to massive amounts of change.

We have to first acknowledge things, identify where they're coming from, figure out like how we want to change and what are some small steps we can start taking towards that. But if we try doing it all at once, it doesn't stick. And this is why people get into the, I'm never able to lose weight. I can't lose weight. It never works out for me or whatever the story is.

Carrie KC West (48:44.558)

I always struggle with my weight.

Shauna Lynn Simon (48:47.906)

I always struggle with my weight. It's just always been a thing. I'm never going to be able to actually lose weight. Well, yeah, with that kind of attitude, of course not. don't get me we're using this as an example. I do understand there are a lot of other factors that contribute to things. I mean, absolutely no shame to anyone for this. We're just using this as an example of whatever that New Year's resolution looks like. If you try to go too hard, too fast, it's not going to actually take. allowing yourself some time to just sit with the awareness of it.

I really like that. you also have an incredible offer here. It's a 30 minute story session.

Carrie KC West (49:24.34)

On my website, you go to carriekcwest.com, you will see a way to schedule a 30 minute call with me to just start understanding where you are in the process. It's not that difficult to understand and we can uncover a pattern in 30 minutes that'll set you free. It's really, and you know what, it's fun. It's a lot more fun than write down everything.

you thought for the first 10 minutes of every hour, keep a journal of...

Shauna Lynn Simon (49:55.82)

Right. That sounds like homework.

Carrie KC West (49:57.634)

Yeah, we're busy people. don't have time for all that stuff. So yeah, schedule a call with me and we'll have fun.

Shauna Lynn Simon (50:06.626)

Wonderful. And then you've got your hidden story intensive is starting in just a couple of weeks. So is that also listed on your website if someone's interested in checking that out?

Carrie KC West (50:16.236)

Yes, my hidden story intensive is where we will, we will dig into that whole process where you will have long lasting life changing situations at the end of it. It's really, I've had more people call me than that, you know, not even that after the first day and say, my God, everything shifted. So it's with the awareness. It's really,

Shauna Lynn Simon (50:41.154)

So true. was going to say, as soon as when we start spotlighting some things, it's amazing how the shifts can, start happening because once we're aware of something, it's easier to make, to start making some changes. Well, Carrie, this has been absolutely fantastic. I so appreciate you coming on today and sharing the journey that you helped to take women entrepreneurs on and sharing all the different insights that you have. So thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

Carrie KC West (50:52.19)

Absolutely.

Carrie KC West (51:10.52)

Thank you, Shauna Lynn. I'm very excited. I love what you're doing. We have to figure out a way to keep the conversation going.

Shauna Lynn Simon (51:17.102)

Absolutely. Yes, we'll definitely do that. And if you're listening to this podcast, what we're saying here is resonating with you. Of course, I hope that you will continue to allow us to be a part of your journey. Be sure to tune into new episodes every week. We drop them on Tuesday mornings at 7 a.m. Eastern time. Don't forget to subscribe to us wherever you get your podcast and leave us a review on your favorite podcast platform. And as always, if what we're talking about here is really hitting home with you today, the best way that you can support not only our podcast, which I so appreciate your support, keep sharing and keep reviewing us and keep

feeding that algorithm. But more important than that, I want you to help your fellow women entrepreneurs by taking this episode and sharing it with someone that you know really needs to hear this today. Because that is the best way that we can continue to support each other and raise each other up. So until next time, everyone, keep thriving.